haiz. been staring blankly alot lately. i dunoe why this is happening, and i dun wish this would continue. i think of many diff stuff when i stare.fwens. yrmates. parent. results. study. pain. suicide.death. sometimes i wonder what pain is. can emotional pain overwhelm physical pain? what does it feel like when there is extreme pain in ya body. wad does it feel like when u jump off a building and before you reach the ground. what it will feel like if i died. sometimes i wonder if life would be different if there were no yrmates. would it be the same between my yrmates and i if i quit red cross at the end of this yr. (highy impossible..juz wondering).or wud it be like in sec 1..where we were al strangers.. and we dun even say hi when we pass each other? or are we just gonna be like hihi and no more. we carn carry on the convo. sometimes i wonder why i carn concentrate on my work. it is suc ha simple task. if i had ben able to do tt. i'm sure i'll not be liddat now. but i carn understand why i jus dun feel like studyin anymore. i juz want to have a long break. and well. from p1 to p6. 6 years. 12 reports. 9 out of 12 comments in my whole pri sch life believe that i can do better.. what is better? wad is then the best? can i really do better? i noe i can. but the problem with me in all those yrs and also now is that i dun want to study. i hate studyin. i even hate sch. i think reading and preparin for tests is hell. i dun give a damn. tt's why.. everything tt comes out is i can do better. i hope i can. but i cannot bring myself to achieve that goal.people always say. if i can just put in a bit mroe effort in my work and stuff.. i may have become ppl who gets 3.8 and above for my GPA. hahaz.but i carn do it. i carn concentrate on my studies. sometimes i wonder why my parents are liddat. i like it. but i hate it when they blame me for not doing well or wadeva shit that all is about. heck. they dun really scold. but they'll give this really disappointed look..like u have let them down or soemthing. something like emotional blackmail. something that makes me guilty. something ttt makes me want to strive. but i dun noe wad is stoppin me from doing so. why. wad. when. where. how. sometimes i wonder what is death. an escape from real life? takin away of feelings? or are we going to a same new world? everything is the same, except u'll be living with those who died before u..or are we jus gonna becomefertiliser?and why are we able to be broken down into chemical substances..but when provided with the same amount... a human cannot be formed? why is everything this way? actually i think i am quite fortunate. i got a good brain. but i duno how to use it.u might say i'm bring ego. but i didnt really say all this. this is gathered from all diff kind of sources. but i am getting stupider.i like wad i use to hate. i hate wad i use to like. and ppl are jus so fake sometimes.. u dun really noe wad will happen yo you if u mix with them..who noes? i mean.. many ppl are srttin up masks that cover themselves from others. why. if everything could be as pure and sweet as it was when we were kids. that wud be so nice. carefree. haiz. crap long enuff today le.
