IT SEEMS LIKE AGES SINCE I LAST BLOGGED. but owell, i decided to really abandon you once and for all, and this is my goodbye post i love you all the same for giving me all those loving moments through secondary years.
ive not been using my brains much, its rusty, its underused, and its rotting. ive never really exactly used them to reflect on things that happened to me, but somemore under the influence of my brother, i think i have to get things out of my subconscious. for myself, and once and for all, just me.
its the start of a new year, to be exact, the first term of the new year is almost coming to an end. but looking back at what i did, i feel as though its still 2nd Jan today.
i can say i enjoy school life so far, because ive been just sitting around slacking, but there is this "inner fear" in me yelling at me. its telling me why are you wasting your time like that, you need to buck up and change. you need to make use of your time, to do things productive.
so, i have to turn mugger mode on for two years, and prepare myself for the future.
truly, im quite amazed at how i changed in those four years, although i know deep in my heart, what has really changed, and what not. there were weird stages that i went through, and there are decisions that i made that i find correct, and some wrong. i have painstakingly lost something that might have been really dear to me, i have made a nice decision that i respect myself for, i have changed a lot because thats how rgs ppl shaped me.
i am unhappy with some changes in me, so i hope this two good years will change me once again. it would mould me once again into something different, something i'll love much more for it to be part of myself. i look back at my crazy self, i feel like saying hey that used to be me, but im all different now, and i hope you see it (:
i know how procrastination became such a trait in me that i find it so hard to erase it away. but ive got to try, i know ill find a way eventually.
and to look back at my sec 1, i did stupid stuff, but im glad i pulled myself out from it, and there was just so much that i learnt from it, im not sure if its helping me now, but somehow it benefited me i guess. it made me passive in some way, but i have to made do with that, i cant afford too much to give anyway, remaining passive is somewhat good (: at least, for me.
i learnt a good lesson in sec 4, and i happy with how it turned out (: i cannot push the blame onto someone for something that i have contributed to as well, i cannot afford to be dishonest, i feel so ashamed of myself for doing things that made me really sick and tired of myself all of a sudden, you come up with all sorts of excuses to escape from reality, you just dont want to face whats coming, and when it comes crashing down on you, you are all gone. i felt so disgusted, but im happy that this took place in sc 4 and not sometime later. i learnt this lesson before its too late. and now, i hope ill handle things better, much better than how i did back then.
and i guess ive finally figured out why ellec and i still remain as close as ever, although there were really bad times, and how i really used to hate her for who she is, its all over now, and i got it all figured out. she seems like such a independent soul, when deep down she isnt, she sought comfort by doing things that were beyong my understanding, how she crossed the line and did something bad but turning back to realise what went wrong. despite all that, she actually contributed greatly to the moulding of my character. i look up to her strong character, although i may disagree with things that she does. so im close to her, but i still get irritated at times. but no doubt we'll remain close. its how, i see a mini reflection of myself in her, not totally, but some parts in me that i hold so dear to myself that is so identical to her, that makes us really inseparable. (: i love you ellec, not matter how much you irritates me, or wtv. i was really touched when i read through your blog this afternoon, the post you dedicated to me just after beijing immersion gathering. i was so touched i almost cried. loveyoumucchhies.
im happy that i have such a lovely bunch by my side, i hope someone will be there for me whenever i need it, and i'll be there for you all as well. xD
i have so much more that i wanna say, but i guess i'll keep it to those who need to hear them for now, BYE lovely. (:
